


To choose a soulmate

by sssssssim



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-18 00:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13088310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sssssssim/pseuds/sssssssim
Summary: In the end that was the choice you made, and it doesn't matter how hard it was to make it. It matters that you did.― Cassandra Clare, City of GlassSoulmate AU, following the events of season 1.Written for@binlar-loveras part of the Shadowhunters Betas Winter Fic Exchange 2017.





	To choose a soulmate

**Author's Note:**

  * For [binlar_lover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/binlar_lover/gifts).



> Dear Luiza, I hope you enjoy the fic, at least half as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> A huge, **huge** , thanks to [@averymagnificentmalec](http://averymagnificentmalec.tumblr.com/), the lovely beta I got paired up with. Dear Sam, you saved my soul, and this fic would have been halfway through to shit if it wasn't for you. So thank you, I owe you big time :).

Alec didn’t really like thinking about the numbers counting down on his wrist, and there were various reasons for that.

On one hand, he grew up watching the people around him interact with their soulmates. Shadowhunters held the soulmate timers at great importance, believing they were sent by the Angel as another weapon to help them fight the forces of evil.

And that was a good thing, a weapon was always a good thing, Alec knew it. But that was the only good thing about the timers.

Because, growing up, after Alec learned what love was supposed to be, and after reading the mundane novels he managed to sneak into his room, he realized pretty quickly that having a soulmate didn’t mean being in love.

He studied the grownups around him, probably more than he should have, and not one pair of soulmates he met were in love. Because, he’s seen paired mundanes, and the differences between the shadowhunter couples and the mundane ones were painfully obvious.

Shadowhunters had soulmates, each person had a perfect other half, chosen by the Angel specifically for them. They worked very well together, soulmates were better fighters, better shadowhunters. But they never bothered falling in love with each other.

The Angel did all the hard work, finding someone perfect for you, then helping you meet them. Shadowhunters took that as law, but also took that for granted, because they  didn’t bother going further than that. They didn’t bother trying to find out _why_ their soulmate was perfect for them. They would build a life together, fight side by side, protect and respect each other, give birth to children and raise them to be Shadowhunters, all without loving the person at their side.

Alec didn’t think he’d be able to do that.

Which brought him to the second reason he didn’t like his timer.

When those numbers would  reach zero, Alec would meet his soulmate. Then he’ll  have to spend the rest of his life with her, have a family and live a loveless life.

He wasn’t strong enough to do that. He didn’t want to do that.

Alec didn’t want a wife and a perfect family of shadowhunter warriors.

Alec wanted a husband (which was unheard of for shadowhunters), he wanted his parabatai (which was forbidden), and he wanted to love and to be loved (which was unnecessary).

Alec hated his soulmate timer. And he knew that the moment it  reached zero, his life would become a lot more difficult to bear.

→♥←

For the longest time, Magnus didn’t care about his soulmate timer. How could he, when the numbers were so high, it was almost impossible to calculate in what year it would reach zero.

It was an oddity, at the beginning of his life, but that changed when he found out that  because of his father, he was immortal.

He gave up on love pretty early on, as well. He still fell in love, of course, and people still fell in love with him, but their numbers never matched. It was nice while it lasted, with the butterflies Magnus felt in his stomach, the heated touches and forgetting about everything bad in the world for a while.

And it always hurt when it ended. Sometimes, they fell out of love, and while that hurt, it was better than the alternative. Because most of the times, the people Magnus loved died of old age, while he never aged a single day.

That was the most horrible pain Magnus had ever felt. Forced to see the person he loved age and wither right before his eyes, made to see the pain in their eyes as they resented Magnus for his immortality.

He fought for love, most of his life. He clinged tightly to all the lovers he had, even if he knew it would always end up in pain. But a life without love seemed even more painful to him.

The only reprise came in the form of Camille. She was beautiful _and_ immortal, though  their numbers didn’t match, Magnus fell in love like never before, screw the timer on his wrist. For the first time in his life, he felt hope. Like he had a real chance at happiness, an eternity of happiness.

When that love story ended, the pain Magnus found himself in was as large and celestial as their love was. He could barely handle it, and he realized he would not be able to handle another stab to the heart like it ever again.

So, Magnus closed his heart off. He gave up on finding a soulmate he could fall for and have a love filled life together with. He was immortal and an eternity of love was something too idyllic to believe was ever going to be real for him.

→♥←

The moment Clary Fray stepped into their lives, everything went to hell.

Jace probably had it worse, having met his soulmate and all, having her be a mundane and the daughter of Valentine.

But Alec couldn’t help but feel like he had it just a little bit worse, because he had to listen to Jace complain about the Clary situation, even as he was clearly falling for her.

At times, it seemed like he was the only one who acknowledged how big of a threat Valentine was, like Alec was the only one focusing on the work that needed to be done, not on rampant emotions and stray feelings..

And on top of that, Alec was forced to finally deal with the fact that his parabatai, the guy Alec has been in love with for what like forever was in fact not his soulmate.

It hurt him a lot, a whole lot more than Alec expected it to. He always knew he would never have his parabatai in the way he wanted him, but finally being faced with the truth, and seeing how much Jace actually liked Clary, how attracted to her he was, it was painful.

Because of all the pain he found himself in, Alec tried to focus on something else. It worked for a while, having the threat of Valentine as a terrifying distraction.

He threw himself so hard into the upcoming war, he didn’t even notice _it_. But Jace did.

One evening, they went on patrol together, just the two of them. Jace wanted to blow off some steam after a particularly angsty conversation with Clary, and that was fine with Alec. They didn’t really talk, but they fought side by side and killed demons, and it was okay.

They got back to the Institute, wrote the report and went their separate ways.

And, Alec had just enough time to shower and change into pajamas before Jace burst into his bedroom, wide eyed and pointedly locking the door behind himself.

“What did Clary do now?”, Alec couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

Jace didn’t answer, but he had a certain look in his eyes, that Alec had never seen before.

“Jace, what’s wrong?”

He still said nothing, but he made his way over to Alec  and with wide eyes boring into him, gently grabbed a hold of Alec’s wrist.

Alec didn’t get it at first, taking a few seconds for him to realize that Jace’s hand was over his soulmate timer. He still didn’t understand it, until Jace took his hand away and saw that the timer was down to 15 some hours.

It hit Alec like a brick wall. He was going to meet his soulmate tomorrow, he would be bound to her for the rest of his life, he would be expected to marry her and have children and it was all going to be over.

He gasped. Starting tomorrow, he would have no chance at happiness, no chance at love, at a husband to kiss and-

Jace suddenly hugged him, tightly, too tightly.

“I know, buddy”, he told Alec gently, “I know, but everything is going to be alright. I promise you, everything will be okay”

That was a big fat lie. Jace didn’t know, he had no idea what Alec was currently feeling, and he had no business making promises he couldn’t keep.

He pushed Jace away, blaming exhaustion and the need to sleep. Jace saw right through him, but thankfully, he didn’t argue, closing the door behind himself.

Alec didn’t sleep that night. And he cried more than he ever had in his life.

But by the time the sun came up, he knew there was no choice. He was going to have to get out of bed, go on with his day and meet the soulmate the Angel had prepared for him. Forced to build a life with this woman, marry her and give her children, maybe move somewhere in the world, fight for an Institute to run.

Because, Alec had no other choice.

→♥←

Magnus spent the week before in a haze.

There were a lot of things happening, starting with Clary Fairchild falling back into his life and ending with a more than obvious upcoming war against Valentine, but Magnus felt oddly detached from it all.

He kept returning to the timer on his wrist. The numbers were going down, second by second, as they usually did, but now, Magnus knew the end was close. He didn’t notice it before, but after the first time Clary and Jace left his loft, he looked at his wrist and was shocked at seeing that the timer wasn’t counting to some undisclosed day in the far future. The timer was counting down to a day next week, and Magnus didn’t know how to cope with that.

The reality of it was that Magnus was going to meet his soulmate soon, and it hit him like a brick wall.

He was terrified, by a lot of things regarding this, but most of all, he was terrified of two things. What if they couldn’t fall in love, or, even worse, what if Magnus fell in love and the other person didn’t? What if they were human?

What if Magnus was forced, once again, to love someone who had limited time? What if he had to survive, and watch them grow old and die?

He wouldn’t survive it, not again.

When the timer showed 15 hours left, Magnus opened up the oldest, most expensive bottle of wine that he had. He ordered ridiculously expensive food, put on his favorite sequined pajamas, and spent the night on the couch, crying in the dark.

The next day, when Clary called, screaming and begging for help, the timer had less than five minutes left.

Magnus didn’t prepare for a fight, but he was strong enough not to be.

But he did prepare for one thing. He prepared himself for meeting his soulmate, for the inevitable heartbreak that would come from it. He also dressed up, a particularly shiny suit jacket and his favorite eye glitter.

Magnus was ready.

→♥←

It wasn’t even a mission, it wasn’t planned.

Alec just found himself at the docks, with Izzy and Jace by his side, Clary trying to keep up, surrounded by Forsaken.

They were outnumbered, low on weapons and they got separated pretty early on.

Alec found himself in an abandoned shipping container with at least 20 Forsaken blocking the way out. Yet, he only knew three things in that moment. He knew his timer had only a few minutes left. He knew he wasn’t going to survive this fight.

And he knew that the soulmates timers were a big fucking joke.

→♥←

Isabelle and Jace were doing a good job at protecting Clary, they didn’t need Magnus’ help. But all three of them, as soon as they saw Magnus, yelled something, the same thing, _Alec_.

Magnus heard about Alexander Lightwood, mostly from Jace. They never met before, and now, particularly, Magnus was really dreading it. Because there was 90 seconds left on his wrist, because Alec was a shadowhunter and that…

Felt like the Universe was mocking Magnus with all its power.

→♥←

When a warlock stepped into the container and started killing Forsaken, Alec didn’t have the luxury to hesitate. Together, they fought the Forsaken, from different sides of the container.

It was only after there was a pile of bodies at their feet, that Alec remembered his timer. He didn’t look at it, but at the warlock.

He was beautiful, and shiny and a warlock. Alec didn’t know what was worse, that his soulmate was a man, or that he was a downworlder.

They both looked down at their wrists, and Alec felt something break inside of him, when he saw his bare wrist. Looking up at the other man, it was clear that he had a similar reaction.

Alec didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what he could say.

Just as the other man opened his mouth, Clary barged in, Jace and Izzy close behind.

“Magnus”, the redhead hugged the other man, “I’m so happy you made it!”

As soon as Alec’s brain clicked, that his soulmate was Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, Jace and Izzy were there, hugging him tightly, grateful that he wasn’t dead.

Their arms around him were the only reason Alec didn’t break.

→♥←

That night, Magnus sat in his empty apartment and cursed all the Angels and all the demons that had a hand in making him end up here.

Bonded to a shadowhunter, what a cruel joke.

Magnus has been around shadowhunters for a few centuries now, and he knew how they dealt with soulmates. It was a horrible thing, it was like a business partnership that always made Magnus sick to his stomach just  thinking about it.

There were exceptions, of course. Magnus had met some, but they weren’t happy exceptions. Tessa, Will and Jem were probably the closest ones, but it wasn’t a pretty situation.

Now, Magnus was the exception. Magnus and Alec both.

In all his years, he never heard of a downworlder bonding with a shadowhunter. And he never heard of a shadowhunter having a same sex bond.

Magnus has always felt cursed. But this, this was a whole new level of misery.

→♥←

Alec didn’t know how he was supposed to feel, but he felt both angry and devastated.

Angry, because he got what he wanted. He wanted his soulmate to be a man, and that was exactly what Alec got. Of course, there was a catch, because his soulmate was a downworlder, the most powerful warlock of New York.

Alec was devastated because this was worse than what he prepared for. He was prepared to have a life devoid of love with a woman he didn’t care for.

But this, being bonded to someone like Magnus, it was apocalyptic for Alec. Because it either meant he had to ignore his soulmate completely, or it meant he would be stripped of his runes.

What sort of choice was that?

→♥←

Magnus felt angry, like never before. Because Alec was gorgeous, strong and brave and all the best things a shadowhunters could be.

Magnus would ruin him. He had the power to completely destroy everything that Alec was.

He couldn’t do that. No matter how much of a shock to his system Alec was, no matter how much he wanted him after just a quick look, Magnus was not a monster.

This couldn’t happen.

It all just hurt.

→♥←

When Jace came into his room, Alec wanted to run.

“Your timer’s disappeared”, Jace stated as he sat next to Alec on the bed. “Magnus’ was gone too when he came out of that container.’

Alec couldn’t say anything, couldn’t even look at Jace.

Jace, then grabbed a hold of his wrist, squeezing tightly.

“I always knew you were special”, Jace said kindly. “Didn’t think you’d be _this_ special.”

That didn’t make Alec feel any better. But Jace snorted and ruffled Alec’s hair, and that did make him feel better, just a little.

→♥←

Magnus would have felt better if he would have been able to keep his distance from Alec. But that wasn’t a possibility, not with everything happening in their world.

And the thing that hurt the most was the indifference. They never talked, not directly. Magnus tried to, but Alec didn’t allow it. He barely looked at Magnus, really, and he realized that it was a defence mechanism.

He probably should be smart enough to adopt it as well. But he couldn’t.

Magnus felt drawn to Alec, it felt magical and impossible, and new. And Alec was pushing him away, especially after the summoning spell revealed his infatuation with his parabatai.

Even without trying, Magnus had already hurt Alec.

Indifference was, probably, for the best.

→♥←

When Luke got hurt and Jace asked for his help, Alec couldn’t stay away. He should have, but he couldn’t. He ran to Magnus’ loft, and he got there just in time.

“Help me”, Magnus said. “I need your strength.”

Alec didn’t hesitate. Not because of Luke, Clary or Jace, but because of Magnus.

They hadn’t spent a lot of time together, because Alec tried his best to not even talk to Magnus. But that didn’t stop him from feeling something for the warlock.

It was intense and quick, not like the years it took him to realize what he felt for Jace. It was attraction, but like Alec never felt before, but it was more than that. He couldn’t explain what it was, because he had never felt it before.

But it was strong. Strong enough to make Alec think of impossible what ifs.

Strong enough to stop him from running away that night, when Magnus cornered him in the empty office.

He accepted the drink, even if it burned his throat. Magnus flirted with him, and like always, Alec acted like he didn’t pick up on it, he played dumb.

“Why did you ask for me, when Jace and Clary were both here?”

“Jace didn’t tell you? It doesn’t matter, it was a lie anyway.”

“Are warlocks always this cryptic?”

“I’m not being cryptic”, Magnus chuckled, “I’m being coy.”

Alec said nothing.

“Let me spell it out for you”, Magnus sighed, making his way to stand in front of Alec, “I wanted to see you again.”

“Why?”

“Why’d you come?”

Alec should have lied, but he couldn’t. Not when Magnus was looking at him like that, softly and hesitantly, putting on a coy mask, just as Alec was putting on a cold one.

“I’m not sure”, he finally breathed out.

“For almost a century”, Magnus said slowly, “I’ve closed myself off to feeling anything for anyone. Man or woman. You’ve unlocked something in me.”

He said it so easily, Alec was jealous of Magnus’ ability to simplify it. Because this was anything but simple.

“I know this cannot happen”, Magnus said next.

It was at that moment when Alec realized that until then, he had some sort of blind hope. Until then.

“You do?”, he managed to breathe out.

Magnus nodded, and smiled, slightly.

“You’re one of the best shadowhunters, the world can’t afford to lose you. What Valentine started, it’s bigger than…me, and you and a hypothetical us. I would ruin you, Alexander.”

He raised a hand and gently ran his fingers over the rune on Alec’s neck, setting fires in his wake.

“I would ruin everything you stand for, Alexander. And you deserve more than that.”

Alec felt tears in his eyes, and as much as he was ashamed of them, he was more concerned with the pain in his chest.

So he ran.

→♥←

Magnus knew Alec was avoiding him. It had gotten to the point where even Clary and Izzy realized something was wrong. They tried asking about it, but he didn’t tell them anything.

Jace never asked, not one thing. He even tried to steer the ladies away from prying questions.

It was clear that he knew the truth about him and Alec, and Magnus didn’t really mind. It was nice to know Alec had someone in his corner, someone on his side.

But it was still surprising, to see a highly distressed Jace knock on his door in the middle of the night.

“Well you’re not hurt”, Magnus raised an eyebrow. “Is Clary hurt?”

Jace shook his head, pacing the living room. “Nobody’s hurt. Not yet.”

Magnus sat down on the couch and got himself a glass of wine. He knew what was coming, Jace asking for his help with something that really wasn’t Magnus’ job.

“Alec’s getting married”, Jace finally said, making Magnus choke on his wine.

He vanished the glass away and made an armchair appear under Jace, forcing him to stop pacing and sit down.

“Explain that sentence.”, Magnus willed his voice not to shake.

“Maryse saw that his timer disappeared”, Jace said slowly, “Alec lied, said he didn’t meet anyone. So they set him up with some clave official.”

“Set him up?”, there was a dark pit forming in Magnus’ stomach.

“There’s this girl, Lydia Branwell. Her soulmate died and…”, Jace shook his head. “She wants to run an Institute. She wants to run the New York Institute with Alec. It was Maryse’s idea.”

“So it’s an arranged marriage”, Magnus breathed out, “I thought that custom died down decades ago.”

Jace flinched, hard, “Maryse just proposed it. They both agreed to it.”

And that, that was what hurt Magnus the most.

“He chose it”, he found himself saying, “He actually…”

Looking up, Magnus was very surprised to see how Jace was looking at him. With pity, but desperation as well.

“You have to stop this”, Jace said strongly, “Alec can’t do this.”

Magnus pushed down his own feelings, trying his best to be rational, “He can, and he will. It’s his choice.”

“No”, Jace all but yelled, “He’ll be miserable, for the rest of his life. You’re the one he’s supposed to-”

“Supposed to what, Jace?”, Magnus was suddenly angry. “Supposed to what, exactly? Marry me? Is he supposed to be happy with me? A shadowhunter and a downworlder? Two men?”

He laughed, a horrible sound.

“I’ll tell you what I told him.”

Jace was surprised by this, clearly unaware that Magnus and Alec actually discussed it.

“I’ll ruin him”, Magnus said, hating the way his chest hurt, “I will absolutely ruin Alec’s life and he deserves more than that.”

The shadowhunter looked kind of scared, looking at Magnus with wide eyes. Maybe Magnus was speaking too strongly, but he couldn’t find it in himself to tone it down.

“You have no right to ask me to ruin Alec’s life. He and I, it can’t happen, Jace. It can never happen. This, marrying a nice girl and building a proper shadowhunter life with her… It’s the best choice Alec could have made.”

Magnus didn’t wait for Jace’s answer. He didn’t show him out, just wordlessly opened the door. He didn’t wait to see Jace leave either.

Instead, Magnus locked himself in the bedroom and drank himself into oblivion, vowing to himself that he will not cave. He won’t try to change Alec’s mind, he won’t declare his feelings, he won’t stop the wedding, he will not cave.

He caved.

→♥←

The conversation he had with Magnus after Izzy’s trial shook Alec to his core. Not because of how much it hurt to finally see the warlock walk away from him, but because of the fact that Magnus was clearly in pain.

Alec hurt him, he knew this. He was also hurting himself, because he cared for Magnus. That initial undefined feeling he got the first time they laid eyes on each other, it didn’t go away with time. It only grew stronger and threatened to consume Alec whole.

But he didn’t have any choice. He had to marry Lydia, and by the looks of things, it seemed like Magnus accepted it.

So when the warlock texted Alec, on the day of his wedding, he made his way to Magnus’ apartment knowing that it could go two ways. Magnus could try to change his mind again, or he could act like nothing has ever happened.

Alec didn’t know what would hurt him more.

→♥←

“You and I, we understand marriage very differently”, Alec said slowly, “I’m a shadowhunter, this is about family, and tradition, honor-”

“Where’s the honor in living a lie?”, Magnus finally snapped, rendering Alec silent.

“And beyond that, what about love, Alec?”

The shadowhunter looked away at that, but it didn’t stop Magnus from making his way towards him.

“You forget, Alec, that I’m old. I’ve been here longer than you have. You forget, that I know exactly how shadowhunters view marriage. It’s cold, and heartless, it’s a transaction. Don’t tell me that’s what you want.”

Magnus sighed. “Tell me you’re in love with Lydia, and I’ll stop.”

Alec’s hesitation made Magnus cling to the small piece of hope he had left.

“I don’t know.”

He was looking at Magnus, with something that hurt him to see. Anger flared in Alec’s eyes, but it didn’t make Magnus step away.

“Why do you keep pushing?”, he stammered, “You’re confusing me.”

“There’s nothing confusing about this, Alec”, Magnus said as gently as he could. “I’m your soulmate.”

It was the first time either of them said the word out loud, and it shook both of them.

“Even shadowhunters know the importance of that”, Magnus went on.

“You’re a downworlder.”, Alec bit out with some difficulty.

“I know”, Magnus tilted his head, “Shadowhunters think we’re ruled by the demons that gave birth to us. That’s not quite true and this, what happened to us, is the best proof. The Angel is the one that chooses soulmates, is he not? And he chose us.”

Alec fell silent at that.

“I know you feel how I feel, Alec.”, Magnus pushed.

“You don’t have any clue what I feel. So back off.”

Alec left with that, leaving Magnus feeling more alone than he thought was possible.

→♥←

He was going to do it. Alec was going to marry Lydia.

He put on the suit, stepped inside the crowded room, took his place up the stairs, Jace by his side.

Alec was going to do it.

And then Magnus came in, and they locked eyes.

“Hey, Alec”, Lydia said gently, grabbing his hand.

“I can’t breathe.”

“I know”, she chuckled. “It’s okay.”

It wasn’t. Nothing was okay. Not the constricting way he felt in the suit, not the pain he felt when he looked at Lydia, not the way his heart started going haywire as soon as he looked into those black rimmed eyes.

“You lied, didn’t you?”, Lydia was smiling. “Your timer didn’t just disappear, it hit zero when you met Magnus.”

There was a loud gasp heard in the room, but Alec didn’t have the strength to figure out who it came from.

“I’m sorry”, he told Lydia. “I can’t do this.”

“Good”, she smiled, letting go of his hand.

Alec still didn’t move, not until Jace squeezed his shoulder and somewhat gently pushed him down the stairs.

As soon as he took that first step forward, he knew he wasn’t going to stop until he was in Magnus’ arms.

For the first time since his wrist became bare, Alec didn’t feel pain. He didn’t feel pressured into a decision he couldn’t make, he didn’t feel like his happiness was being thrown out the window.

Alec felt excited. And nervous, of course, but not because of the fact that his mother was appalled, trying to stop him from advancing. No, Alec felt nervous because of the way Magnus was looking at him.

Soft, and hesitant and as Alec got closer to him, Magnus was starting to look downright incredulous.

“I didn’t think I had a choice”, Alec breathed out when he was close enough. “And I don’t. We don’t choose our soulmates.”

Magnus’ face fell at that, completely, but Alec’s didn’t. If anything, he smiled wider.

“I choose you, though. I’ll always choose you, Magnus.”

Alec didn’t give him a chance to respond, grabbing his face and finally, finally kissing his soulmate.

→♥←

Magnus couldn’t believe this was real. Alec’s lips pressed to his, in a room filled with shadowhunters that expected a wedding.

Was this heaven? Was this what heaven felt like? Magnus couldn’t think.

Someone whooped, an obnoxiously loud sound. Alec stopped the kiss, but didn’t let go of Magnus’ face. They both turned around, and Magnus felt absolutely horrified to see that it was Jace who was yelling, dancing like a complete idiot, still on the stand next to Lydia.

But Lydia was laughing as well, and looking around the room, Magnus saw that Izzy was out of her chair, grinning wildly while clapping her hands, that both Clary and Simon were still smiling at the two of them, and finally, Magnus looked back to Alec.

Who not only looked incredibly happy, but he looked relieved.

Alec looked like Magnus felt.

So Magnus kissed him this time, and they only stopped when Jace started yelling about wanting to hug his parabatai.


End file.
